In Love with My Depression

Dear friend and venerable nemesis. Loathsome darling and arch enemy. Loyal savior and ruthless killer—a poem about being in love with the depression that’s destroying me.


Oh, where are you when I need you the most?

My dear friend, my venerable nemesis

You are wrapped in the dark grey shadows,

as silent as the chasms within the deep crevasses

I need to hear your poisonous whispers,

I need to go down, feeling your cold caresses


Oh, where are you when I desire you the most?

My archenemy, my loathsome darling

You are standing at guard within my heart,

a coiled dragon — ferocious and snarling

I need to be blasted by your icy fire,

I need to be ashes, a charred grey starling


Oh, where are you when I abandon the world?

My promised comrade, my sworn foe

You walk along with me on the path of life,

a dead man walking and his faded shadow

I need to walk till exhaustion kills me,

I need to feel the pain — the sting of a black widow


Oh, where are you when I yearn for company?

My loyal savior, my ruthless killer

You, freezing my tired and broken soul,

you, bringing an end to the boring thriller

I need you to kill me, for I want to sleep,

I need to be entombed within a granite pillar

Green Tara and the Man who was Lost — A Short Opera

A haunting mini-opera where a lost wanderer encounters Green Tara (Buddhist goddess of compassion, tear drop of Avalokiteshvara) in a cold desert and receives devastating truths instead of comfort.

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The man was tired of walking for long in the cold desert. The sand was almost silver and stung his feet with the chill from last night. An equally tired, grey sun failed to warm the grains of sand. And then, when he had almost lost hope, Green Tara suddenly appeared out of thin air.

The man fell to his knees, joined his hands in supplication, and addressed the goddess:

O Green Tara, the tear drop of Avalokiteshvara,

have mercy on me, for I have sought you for long

You are the goddess of all those who are lost,

and I have lost myself, correct me if I am wrong

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The Goddess watched the man with pity. She knew him well. He was the child of sorrow and had been miserable all through his pathetic life. In fact, why the man was still alive, was what worried Green Tara.

She contemplated the wretched creature huddled at her feet for some time, and then decided to tell him the truth:

Yes, you are lost indeed, that I can see,

lost forever, a child of sorrow and pain

You have been cursed by the gods,

cursed when you were born in the times of rain

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The man turned his teary eyes to the goddess and asked:

But why me? Why was I cursed by the gods?

Isn’t it unfair? To be gifted with all the odds?

Green Tara thought some more and then answered:

Whom do you belong to,

and whom do you possess?

Whom do you beg and cry to,

when you are in a dire mess?

You are a man from nowhere,

with no principles or morals

No good deeds in your bag,

and to your name, no laurels

Whom do you seek for solace,

and from whom do you beg forgiveness?

Whom do you choose to walk along,

when you are grieving and in distress?

You are a man with no certain future,

with no notable past or a worthy present

No real and lofty victories to boast of,

and a million regrets to resent

Whom do you love without conditions,

and whom do you serve selfless?

Whom do you hate with a vengeance,

when you feel the drive to aggress?

You are a man with no attachments,

with no relief and comfort in sight

No real gains to be happy about,

and what awaits you is only plight

Whom do you see as your companion,

and whom do you look for love?

Whom do you expect not to judge you,

when you are low in sin and not above?

You are a man who cannot be loved,

with no pure virtues or real talents

No sincere affections to be proud of,

and when mistreated, no one repents

You are just an anomaly in the system,

something to be removed and corrected

You are the broken gear in the machine,

something to be trashed and rejected

You are the one true monstrosity,

and carry the heaviest burden of guilt

You are the grandest absurdity,

cheap wine, to be mocked and spilt

What makes you happy and what makes you sad?

These are questions you know the answers to

Happiness will come and sadness will go,

you know these two will never come true

You are the one who is eternally lost,

between what should be and what can be

You are the one who is forever damned,

for wanting something that can never be

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The man was dejected. He kept on crying for a while, and then, when his tears dried up, he raised his head and asked Green Tara:

What will become of me O Green Tara?

May I expect a salvation or perhaps a respite?

Or is it my destiny to be a lost wanderer,

a man without soul, or maybe a dark knight?

Green Tara looked at him with pity in her lovely eyes.

No respite for you and no salvation,

for your curse is eternal, no other repirmand

But only if you can let go of your ego,

and become what the others demand

You will find all you seek except yourself,

no doom and your fate, you’ll command

Life isn’t Fair, My Friend

Too little time and too much to do, too little air and too much to breathe—and now the pale sun dips low, autumn surrenders to frost, and a dying voice begs: don’t wait.

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Life isn’t fair, my friend; life isn’t fair at all

Once there was…,

Too little time and too much to do;

and too little air and too much to breathe

Too little space and too much to woo;

and too little energy and too much to reap

Too limited a vision and too much to see;

and too small a mind and too much to learn

Too little wisdom and too much taken as free;

and too small a choice and too many boats to burn

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Life isn’t fair, my friend; life isn’t fair at all

Once there was…,

All those I could have loved, but didn’t,

and all those I shouldn’t have, but did

All those I could have blessed, but didn’t,

and all those I shouldn’t have, but did

Knowledge I could have gained, but didn’t,

and knowledge I shouldn’t have accessed, but did

Things that I could have passed on, but didn’t,

and things that I shouldn’t have, but did

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Life isn’t fair, my friend; life isn’t fair at all

Now…,

The pale sun is dipping low in the West,

and the wind has stopped ruffling my hair

The chaos is all tired and preparing to rest,

and the eternal silence is almost here

The autumn is surrendering fast to the frost,

and the ideas have stopped painting my imagination

The violins have hushed, and all will is lost,

and ambition has ceased to move my determination

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Life isn’t fair, my friend; life isn’t fair at all

Please, I beg you…,

Go do what you want and go reap what you need,

be kind to all around you and get rid of your greed

Go see what you desire and go learn what you can,

understand all that you like, no need for any plan

Go love whoever you want, go follow your dream,

go bless even your enemies, no use of any scheme

Go make a legacy and at all costs, pass it on,

don’t delay, just move, don’t wait for a new dawn

How the Mighty Gods Fall

We make them our gods, bow for forgiveness, sacrifice our ego,  then discover we loved a narcissist, and wisdom was asleep while we built altars for humans.

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Oh, how the mighty gods that we build, fall;

how they crumble and fall, when we lose our faith

Oh, how our hearts that we’ve made so stout, break;

how they break and shatter, when we become a wraith

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The first glance that we steal is sheer attraction,

it’s only the silver lining that shines, and that we see

There may be billowing clouds of darkness within,

but ‘go on, be a fool!’, our desires make a strong plea

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Attachment comes groveling and crawling then,

masking our insecurities and binding us with chains

They become the reasons for our happiness and sorrow,

as stupidity thrives and runs through our veins

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Then comes love, the sweet, sickly love,

we make them our gods, with our knees so weak

We bow to them, and we seek their forgiveness;

we sacrifice our ego, we aim only to please

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The final stage is hurt, it is a cold, sharp dagger;

with the blade of betrayal, it cuts our hearts deep

That we loved a narcissist, it comes as a shock;

knowing it all along, our wisdom was asleep

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While we are doing all this to ourselves,

our subconscious stands as a somber guard

She is hard steel, she doesn’t care for any gods;

amidst the raging chaos, her stance is always hard

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We stand aside and we look at ourselves;

misery, anguish, and the loss of all faith

When the mighty gods that we build, fall,

we become the ghosts of ourselves, a grey wraith

The Anatomy of Self-deception

What if the love you feel isn’t real, the path you’re walking doesn’t exist, and admitting you’re lost is the only way to stop being damned?

A brutally honest poem exploring the dangerous habit of self-deception in matters of love and life purpose.


Sometimes, love doesn’t need words,

the essence breathes in a shy, fragrant smile

But then, you see what you want to see,

from up close, even when away by a mile

Sometimes, there is and was no love at all,

and assumptions sweeten the taste of bile


Sometimes, you do not even need love,

yet you convince yourself, it is needed

But then, you’re habitual of creating needs,

in places where life itself has conceded

Sometimes, love as a concept is not logical at all,

yet your counsel to yourself remains unheeded


Sometimes, you focus on one, losing yourself,

everything becomes one with no space for you

But then, there was never meant to be a you,

you become a falsity, and the other becomes true

Sometimes, your focus just brings more pain,

yet you focus on, as though you have no clue


Sometimes, you are not walking any path at all,

there was never a start, and no destination

But then, you walk on as though it’s the last path,

as though in walking, there lies your salvation

Sometimes, you are just as lost as you always were,

yet you fail to admit, making it your true damnation