Tag Archives: anguish

The Anatomy of Self-deception

Posted in Poetry English by

What if the love you feel isn’t real, the path you’re walking doesn’t exist, and admitting you’re lost is the only way to stop being damned?

A brutally honest poem exploring the dangerous habit of self-deception in matters of love and life purpose.

Sometimes, love doesn’t need words,

the essence breathes in a shy, fragrant smile

But then, you see what you want to see,

from up close, even when away by a mile

Sometimes, there is and was no love at all,

and assumptions sweeten the taste of bile

Sometimes, you do not even need love,

yet you convince yourself, it is needed

But then, you’re habitual of creating needs,

in places where life itself has conceded

Sometimes, love as a concept is not logical at all,

yet your counsel to yourself remains unheeded

Sometimes, you focus on one, losing yourself,

everything becomes one with no space for you

But then, there was never meant to be a you,

you become a falsity, and the other becomes true

Sometimes, your focus just brings more pain,

yet you focus on, as though you have no clue

Sometimes, you are not walking any path at all,

there was never a start, and no destination

But then, you walk on as though it’s the last path,

as though in walking, there lies your salvation

Sometimes, you are just as lost as you always were,

yet you fail to admit, making it your true damnation

Gamayun and the Child of Autumn – A Dialogue

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Note: Within first the Iranian and then the Russian folklore, Gamayun is the symbol of knowledge and wisdom. In the myth, she appears in the form of a prophetic bird, who resides on a lonely island situated somewhere in the east. As she knows everything about the true nature of human beings, gods, creation, and eternity, her prophecies are divine and magical – though difficult to comprehend and understand.

The night is silent and Gamayun sits atop a lonely rock, looking down on a landscape of magical lights and dark smoke. A gentle breeze is blowing from the northeast, carrying faint shades of some long-lost and ancient fragrance.

Suddenly, she senses a presence – there is someone beckoning her attention from the shadows. Gamayun raises her hand and commands:

‘Come forth! O child of misery and gloom; 

step forward and seek, even if it is your doom

Come forth! O dweller of grey desolation;

Beg for wisdom, if it’s of any consolation

The presence crawls forward, his tired knees digging deep grooves in the sand. He grabs hold of Gamayun’s feet and cries his heart out:

‘O Gamayun! The wise and the knowledgeable;

here I am, laying all my cards on the table

O Gamayun! The herald of divine prophecies;

all my dark visions unfolded, terrible atrocities

O Gamayun! Spread your golden wings in the sun;

for I am desperate and making my last run

O Gamayun! Behold my pain and tell me what I ask;

see this darkness, it is very real, it is not a mask  

Of all the God’s children, I am the child of autumn;

the failure is so terribly deep, that there is no bottom

I am not alone I know, yet unique in what I need;

I feel like a hollow dead tree, with neither fruit nor seed

It is not that I demand either wealth or riches or gold;

I just beg that my dream be fulfilled, single and untold

It is not that I ask for life everlasting or a great power;

I just implore that my heart be happy, not bitter or sour’

Sensing the man’s anguish and hearing his plea, Gamayun bends down her head and thinks for a while. She carefully prods her heart but finds nothing but dark tidings. She finally raises her head and whispers back:

‘You have come from afar – have my sympathies with you;

my heart weeps for you, yet there is nothing I can really do

Having asked your question, you have unburdened yourself;

your cause is lost, and what to tell you, I am lost myself

Of all the God’s many children, you are the most despised;

He made all his children out of love, all of them prized

You dream in vain, you cry in vain and you beg in vain;

He carved you out of sadness, dark soil, and cold rain

He hates you with a vengeance so very terrible and dark;

His distaste for you is so very naked and so very stark

He looks at you with pity though, the most what He can spare;

you may die or you may suffer, that He doesn’t at all care 

Being a child of autumn, it is a dark curse you carry;

you will always be sad and you will never be merry

It is your burden and your fate, how dark it may seem;

abandon all hope, you will never get what you dream’

Up there, sitting on His golden throne, God listens to all and smiles a tired smile. He is the wisest of all and the most powerful. Yet He is lonely because his wisdom goes beyond the understanding of mortals. He looks down kindly upon the child of autumn and his heaving shoulders; and whispers softly:

‘O Child of Autumn – you tread a treasured path;

yet you are blinded by grief, your fate a bloodbath

Of all my children, you are the most blue-eyed;

all my children are loved, you are the most prized

You dream in my way; an immense imagination;

I carved you out of wisdom, foresight, and adoration

I love you with an intensity, so very focused and clear;

it might appear as abstract, but I hold you so dear

I make you feel the pain and the agony of all others;

so you may suffer the suffering of your brothers

Being a child of autumn, it is not a curse you carry;

it makes you all patient so that you don’t tarry

It is not a dark burden, but a blessing filled with light;

with understanding comes wisdom, lofty and bright

Go in peace my child, go and serve the world and life;

you will grow and learn to walk the edge of a knife’ 

#English #poetry #poem #opera #Gumayun #God #misery #anguish #path #life #test #kindness #life #death #wisdom #help #love #light #darkness #curse

Where is that Sweet, Sad Place where Elephants go to Die?

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elephant-kenya-340364

A journey into the mythic graveyard of memories, guilt, and dreams that refuse to die.

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Where is that sweet and sad place,

perhaps lost forever in both time and space,

upon the brazen earth and under the grey sky,

where elephants go to die?

Strength and might sometimes fail,

in the face of raging fire, rain and hail

Failure exhausts the strongest of souls,

when we repeatedly fail to achieve our goals

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Where is that dark and cold womb,

devoid of all life, it’s really a tomb,

when one fails each challenge and test,

where worries finally come to rest?

Worries, which were once peacefully silent,

but now extending their tentacles, cruel and violent

My worries are not making a submissive bow,

my worries are kicking and screaming now

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Where is that vast desolation of heart,

where the sun never shines as the clouds do not part,

where all of us are destined to be, the fools and the clever, 

where dead love breathes its last and rests forever?

Memories, which were once pretty and colourful,

but now have haunting eyes, dull and dreadful

Memories are not compelling me to make a new vow,

my memories, are dead and only skeletons now

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Where is that unfathomably deep, black hole,

which silences all greed, and the dreams it once stole,

where regrets crawl and plead infernally,  

where guilt is finally dead and is buried eternally?

Guilt, once a rare acquaintance and even a stranger,

it was a horse called Diablo, without a ranger

My guilt is watching me with a frowned brow,

my guilt is a monster, a menacing presence now

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I fear their accusations, their dead, hollow stare,

the evil was afar, yet somewhere close here

I loathe their presence and hold onto my spear,

the damnation was afar, yet somewhere so near

My anguish and my fear, I scream and I mumble,

my agony and my dread, I run and I stumble

I scream and I run, I make a final try,

to reach that place where elephants go to die