Tag Archives: farewell

I didn’t lose my Mother. I lost my child

Posted in Essays by

‘Who are you?’ She whispered from behind the thick fog of dementia.

Her simple question felt like a blow. I am 52 years old, but those three words shattered my sense of emotional security.

She was sitting on the bed, her back supported by pillows. I was sitting on the carpet, moisturizing her calves and feet. It was our daily routine.

‘What do you mean, Mama?’ I asked, desperately wishing I had misheard her words.

‘Who are you?’ She repeated her question, oblivious to my intense discomfort.

‘Mama, don’t you recognize me?’ I asked in a desperate plea, underscoring my query.

She was looking down at my face with empty yet curious eyes. I stared back, trying to jog her memory with all the love I could muster.

‘I do love your face. I know you are someone very dear to me.’ She spoke carefully, choosing each word with care. ‘But I do not recognize you.’

I felt as if she were somehow aware of my emotional discomfort and wanted to lessen the cruelty of her questions.

‘Who do you think I am, Mama?’ I asked, my fingers delicately kneading her wasted muscles.

‘You are either my father or my brother or perhaps….my son.’ She answered slowly, and a few lines of anxiety furrowed her forehead.

‘Who would you like me to be?’ I asked her back after a while.

During the last two years of her life, I had developed the habit of always offering her a choice instead of making decisions on her behalf or announcing them to her face. She was starting to lose her abilities of rational thinking, but I didn’t like to see her growing helpless. I wanted her to always choose instead of being dictated, till the last day of her life. I wanted her to die like the Queen she really was.

‘I think…’ She lost the words while thinking.

‘Yes?’ I coaxed her on. ‘What do you think?’

‘I think, you being my father, would be nice.’

‘That settles it.’ I smiled at her with love and understanding. ‘From today onwards, I will be your father.’

She looked back into my eyes, and there was the shadow of a smile — a smile being born out of gratefulness, perhaps.

From that day onwards, my mother became my baby. Although thankfully, she always chose to address me by my name. That was a blessing. It would have felt absurd otherwise.

There lies the answer to my dilemma. She was my mother, old, sick and frail. She was supposed to die one day, like all the other mothers. Her passage was an eventuality I had always foreseen and was aware of. But what I didn’t ever realize and what I could never foresee was the intensity of my own grief. Her death has devastated me.

I have always been comfortable with the concept of death. I view it as the only sure fact in life. Our birth is a product of many factors and preconditions, but our death is always sure. I have been exposed to the naked and cold brutality of death, more than probably all of you combined. Being an active participant in many wars, I have killed, I have faced death myself, I have prepared countless bodies for burial, and I have buried several friends and even a few enemies. But burying my own mother was an act which completely drained me, both emotionally and physically.

I didn’t allow anyone else, even my own beloved brother, to handle her body. I shifted her from the ambulance stretcher to the bier myself. I carried her to be washed, and I carried her back. And finally, I held her in my arms and placed her gently inside the grave. I looked around at the cold and merciless concrete walls, and I felt the bony contours of her shrunken face with my fingers. I squatted and remained in that position. I couldn’t get up. I couldn’t leave her alone. Not because she was my mother. But because she was my baby.

Unfortunately, we two had never been emotionally close. There were many factors responsible, and the most significant of them all was my own stupidity. I never saw her as a human being. Instead, I saw her as an indomitable goddess of sorts, who could brave any storm and who did not need the expression of my love. But I loved her, and she loved me.

Our relationship was a strange one. Being the elder son of a single mother, I bore the brunt of her emotional frustrations and depression. Life during childhood was a series of days filled with beatings and emotional outbursts. She was always loud and a firm believer in corporal punishment. I was strong and enjoyed a high level of pain tolerance, and I was a firm believer in remaining respectfully quiet in front of her anger-filled tornadoes. Interestingly, I understand that I deserved all those beatings. In fact, I deserved to be hanged for some of my escapades. But thankfully, she was a loving mother, and she could never think of harming her son.

Our relationship was strange, not because of emotional turbulence or anger outbursts or my calm submission. Our relationship was strange because whenever she was in pain, she always chose to have me by her side. It was an honour, and I will always wear this medal with pride.

It all started in 1989, when she developed severe arthritis. The disease first brought pain — intense pain that made my strong mother cry loudly. There were days when even a single step became extreme agony for her. But the nights were even more torturous. She tossed and turned, but no angle or posture could provide her any relief. And when the pain became unbearable, she used to call or wake me up. I always responded. It was not a matter of choice. I felt as if I was destined and programmed to respond to her call for help.

I still remember that I had my secondary school exam the next day, and my habit was to keep on studying all through the last night. That night, I was following that routine when my mother called me from the bedroom. When it became clear that her pain necessitated my constant presence and massage, I took the book along. I placed it open on her legs and kept on studying and massaging her simultaneously.

It was by no means a sacrifice or great service on my part. As I have said earlier, I felt as if I was ordained to serve her when she was sick. In fact, her sickness, however evil it may have been, served an important purpose — it bonded us close. It bonded us and sometimes provided opportunities for humour.

It was a few years ago when she was admitted to a hospital in Islamabad and was suffering from the consequences of an undetected clot following a major surgery. Her condition was deteriorating fast, and I was alone with her in the room. The doctor visited and informed me that it was probably her last night. I thought of calling my brother, but then could not. He was suffering from a severe backache due to his constant stay in the hospital and was finally resting at home on my insistence.

‘I am afraid.’ My mother announced dejectedly.

‘What are you afraid of, Mama?’ I got up from the chair, walked to her side and held her hand.

‘I am afraid of dying.’ She opened up her eyes and looked at me. She had probably either overheard the doctor or had guessed it from my pale face. I was her son, and she could read my face anytime with great ease.

I removed my shoes and joined her on the bed. I cradled her head on my arm and hugged her close.

‘There is nothing to be afraid of. Death only brings peace.’ I am not a fan of ritual religion and was unable to deliver a sermon to fulfil the dictates of her faith.

‘I am afraid because I don’t know what will happen and where I will go when I die.’ She said with her eyes closed.

‘That can be a troubling thought indeed.’ I caressed her cheek and straightened her hair. ‘But fortunately, you have your son with you, who can tell you exactly what will happen.’

‘What do you think will happen?’ When she was sick, my mother chose to believe my every word.

‘I do not think, Mama. I simply know.’ I didn’t feel even an iota of guilt for lying to her. She needed comfort and morality, and ethics could go to hell.

‘The moment you close your eyes in this life, you will reopen your eyes in another life as a baby. Life will simply restart.’ I said slowly and deliberately, while looking up and beseeching God to have mercy on my lying soul.

‘No!’ She trembled with anxiety in my arms. ‘I do not want another life filled with pain.’

‘Ah! But the next life won’t be filled with pain at all. Instead, it will be filled with laughter and peace and countless joys.’ I spontaneously mustered up an explanation. “God is merciful, and he counterbalances the pain in one life with joys in the next.’

‘Are you sure?’ She asked, slowly drifting into sleep.

‘Oh, very much. That is why I am not troubled at the thought of your departure. If I didn’t think so, I would’ve been crying. Don’t you think so?’

There was no answer. My mother was sleeping peacefully.

She made it that day. She was shifted to another hospital. Her clot was detected and dissolved, and she became well again. But she always shunted me properly thereafter, for interfering with her faith when she was vulnerable. I used to laugh it off. I was proud of myself for helping her fight her fear.

But thankfully, I was much older and wiser and more respectful of her faith when her time really came around. I felt her death approaching fast when her body started jerking, and I immediately started reciting Quranic verses in her ears. I also played her favourite Quranic verse on YouTube. I chose to set aside my own beliefs for the sake of her belief. I am proud of myself for acting in accordance with her beliefs.

I visit her grave almost every day and, before gossiping with her, make sure to offer the customary ritual prayers. This is not a matter of my respect for my mother. This is a matter of my love for my mother.

I admit that I had never been a good son to her. I never disobeyed her clear commands. I never even once raised my voice in front of her. But I harboured many reservations in my heart. However, all our issues and conflicts and points of contention vanished when my mother became my baby. From that point onwards, I thought of her and treated her like my child.

She loved flowers and greenery, and she loved sitting under the winter sun. She loved music. She loved her two sons, and she loved massages and pampering. During her last months, we focused on these factors only.

We took long walks in the colony park in the evenings. She was speaking less and less with each passing day, but I constantly tried to engage her in conversations. I drew her attention to the trees, gently swaying in the breeze. I invited her to enjoy the beautiful colours of the spring flowers. I made sure that she smiled at the children playing their own silly games, and I made sure that she breathed in the fresh air and soaked in the winter sun as much as possible.

We even took a drive when possible, and I took her along to visit her ancestral home. It is not there anymore — replaced with ugly and congested houses. But she found the streets familiar and even recognized the small house she had built herself. And we enjoyed great music on the way. I had compiled a playlist of her favourite songs and held her bony hand while I drove.

I checked the texture of her skin every day and moisturized her when needed. I dressed her bedsores and focused on pampering her and providing her comfort in every way possible.

For the last almost two years, my complete day revolved around my mother. Sometimes, I visited her only for a few minutes, while on most days, I spent the day at her place. But each of my activities was planned around her, and was planned with her in mind. So when she left, I lost the anchor of my life.

For a few days after her death, I was bewildered. My days were aimless. But now, when I visit her grave almost every day, I behave as if she is still alive. I ask if she is feeling well. I inquire if she needs moisturizing or a massage. I share gossip with her. Somehow, this practice has stabilized me to some extent.

My mother finally left us on the 26th day of February this year. I still feel as if I am dreaming a bad dream. I wish I were dreaming. I wish when I wake up, I find my mother awaiting my daily visit. I wish when I wake up, I am able to smell her sweet smell and the comforting warmth of her lap. And I wish, when I wake up, I find an opportunity to apologize to her for all the hurt I have ever caused her. I so wish I were dreaming.

I am not mad or crazy. In my heart, I know she is gone and is silent forever. I never wanted it to be so, but it is so. But I am sure, somewhere beyond the material confines of this world and maybe in another dimension, she is sitting on a rocking chair and reading a book in a small garden. The garden is filled with colourful flowers and hovering butterflies. There is the warmth of an eternal winter sun, and her favourite music is constantly playing by her side.

I wish I were able to join her comforting and loving company soon. I wish we were together once again.

I love you, and I miss you, Mama. Without you, my life will never be the same again.

The Last Song

Posted in Poetry English by

When the last song is sung, nothing is denied—not love, not guilt, not longing.

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Come let us sit by this brightly burning fire;

let us forget all and everything, the good and the dire

Let the high flames defrost our frozen souls,

all the cold voids within and all the black holes

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Come let us search for and grab our broken violins;

let us sing songs, and remember and repent our sins

Let the warmth of our company mend our broken hearts,

all the joys and regrets - together and in parts

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Come let us lament, the fading memory of old love;

let us caress our nostalgia - the delicate, grey dove

Let the stories we tell mark our long and sad past,

let them cherish our tears, which dried up so fast

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Come let us remember innocence, which was lost forever;

let us applaud corruption, the seduction was so very clever

Let us rethink all our deeds, so lofty and so dark,

let us not pass a harsh judgment, with a red mark

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Come let us sit by this brightly burning fire;

let us blow it anew, the flames loftier and higher

Let us say farewell to everything, ambition, and desire;

warmly welcoming the end, the savior, and the pyre

The Stranger in the Mirror (Previously, Man in the Mirror)

Posted in Poetry English by
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He’s convinced ‘his coming was an error’ that needs correcting without delay—this is what severe depression sounds like when it talks to itself in the mirror.

A harrowing poem structured as instructions to confront the stranger in your own reflection—a man consumed by self-hatred, failed dreams, and the conviction that his departure would strengthen those he leaves behind.

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Go look at him, look at his pale face in the mirror,

how loathsome it is and yet so strangely dear

Look at him for long, and observe very closely,

and find on it quietly lurking, a dark, crippling fear

The fear of failed dreams and the fear of total loss,

of a life utterly failed, and a death by greed’s spear

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Go talk to him, talk to his dark face in the mirror,

with all of its passive and violent aggression

Talk to him for long, and listen with patience,

you will hear his final words, his ugly confession

From where did he come, and where will he go,

he will speak of darkness, and his cold depression

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You hate him with a vengeance, the man in the mirror,

you look at him with vile pity, you feel utter disgust

You are sickened by what he has now become,

no principles, no morality, and a lack of total trust

You are offended by the choices that he has often made,

there is just reigning chaos, the scorching wind, and dust

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You are so disappointed in him, the man in the mirror,

you do not hope for miracles; there will be no redemption

You witness his devastation, his fate is not to blame,

he is dissolving fast, an intentional self-destruction

He is being blown away by the cruel gusts of time,

spite, self-loathing, dejection, and also some rejection

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Go question him, go ask the man in the mirror,

Does he really have to leave? There is no other way?

And he will tell you no, staying is no longer an option,

the sky is overcast, the clouds all heavy and grey

He has to leave now; his coming was an error,

without any hesitation, without the slightest delay

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Go tell him now, go tell the man in the mirror,

there are those, who need him to stay a little longer

And he will tell you no, he has to say his farewell,

his absence will be hurtful, but it will make them stronger

He has always lived like this, braving all his pains,

and they will live so too, no fear, they won’t conquer

The Last Farewell

Posted in Essays by
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He’s buried with his father and son, but the author refuses to visit the grave—because accepting his friend is dead means losing him twice, and once was already unbearable.

This is something I once wrote about one of my dearest friends, whom I lost. It is a deeply moving personal narrative about an extraordinary friendship between a young man and an older mentor separated by three decades, but connected by warmth, wisdom, and unconditional acceptance.

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The last time we met, he told me that it was our last meeting. No words were spoken. No gestures were made. It was just a silent communication, initiated by him and acknowledged by me.

‘But why leave now?’ I silently pleaded.

‘I am tired. My frail heart cannot keep up with my spirit. The spirit needs to be free. I need to be free. He explained with a kind and sad smile.

‘But what about your friends? What about those who love you? What about me?’ I asked him with a strange desperation.

‘Oh, but I will always be there in your heart. Each time you need the advice of an old man. Each time you need a blessing. And each time you need a friend.’ His eyes were two grey, misty pools. ‘Remember, son, memory is what keeps us alive.’

‘I am going to miss you so much. I will miss the warm aroma of your pipe tobacco. I am going to miss your throaty chuckles. And I am going to miss your kindness.’ My heart was heavy with the sorrow of farewell.

‘Yes, I know that.’ He bowed his head silently. ‘But you have to let me go.’

‘Farewell, old friend.’ I whispered in silence.

‘Farewell, son.’ His eyes smiled back at me, kindly.

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It was the last time I saw him alive. He was already buried the next time I visited his place. The city was sad as if it knew a part of its fond memories had left. His house was filled with people, yet empty. The halls were alive with muted conversations, yet silent. His room still smelt of him, yet bland.

It has been incredibly difficult to let him go, and I have tried my best. But as time passes, the realization of loss grows stronger.

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He was a human magnet who attracted everybody. First, I thought it was his charisma and style. But later I realized, it was his warmth and his utter refusal to judge anybody, which made him the favorite of all.

He always had a warm smile and kind words for everybody. No one felt small or neglected in his presence. In fact, he always reminded me of an old, shady Banyan tree. There was ample space under its shade for everyone.

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There was a gap of three odd decades between us. But he constructed a bridge of kindness, affection, and warmth, and I willingly crossed over. He was a tower of strength and charisma, and I was just a boy, still trying to come to terms with the harshness of life. He opened the doors of understanding, and I willingly entered.

We had been familiar with each other for a long time. I was often playing in the street when he used to pass by in his military jeep, dressed in uniform. I always waved at him, and he always waved back. The smiling but silent exchange of greetings continued for some more time. Time passed, and I joined the military service too. Then my brother married his daughter, and fate and my good fortune brought us closer.

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He was a busy man. His job with a multinational kept him busy. But he always had time for me. I always called in advance seeking permission to go over, and he always said, ‘You don’t need permission. Just come over.’

With the passage of time, our long discussions over a few cups of tea and biscuits became a ritual. I have never been fond of rituals, but I got addicted to this one. He shifted from one topic to another, and I just listened - charmed, intrigued, and fascinated. History, politics, religion, economics, and sociology - nothing was left out. He had an anecdote for everything we discussed, and it was always a funny one.

Reflecting on those wonderful evening discussions, I now identify them as therapy sessions. He cleansed my soul and broadened my horizon. He taught me how to enjoy life and how to love unconditionally. He also taught me how not to despise and judge others. I always left his company not only more knowledgeable but also as a better person.

Sometimes, his wife joined us too for a few moments, mainly to ensure that I was doing justice to the tea trolley. She used to sit there smiling, while silently enjoying the exchange between two generations, and also, most probably, trying to understand that strange bond of friendship. She was not alone. My wife and mother were also confused, at least initially. But time passed, the friendship grew stronger and deeper, and everyone understood.

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When I think of our countless meetings, I always find smiles and love. There never was a single bitter moment despite my many stupidities and naivetés. And like all old men, he had his share of idiosyncrasies. Refusing to put on a hearing aid was one of these. A time came when I literally had to shout to make him understand what I was saying. But he never agreed to use a hearing aid. It irritated me a little in the beginning, but then I adjusted. I was always hoarse after a meeting with him, but who cared as long as I was happy.

There were other oddities, too. He had a bad knee due to an old injury, but refused to get the knee replaced. He had a bad heart condition, but he refused to admit there was anything wrong. This surprised me at first, as he always loved life. But then I understood.

He was in love with life but wanted to live life on his own terms. I learnt to respect that. This was typical of him. He never gave any logical reason for his actions. It was up to those who loved him to make an effort to understand the reasons behind his actions.

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He was the best of my friends, and he is no more. He is buried in an old graveyard along with his father and son. But I have neither visited his grave nor do I ever plan to. I cannot imagine him being dead. I would always like to imagine him sitting in his room, smoking his pipe and waiting for a lively evening session. This way, he remains alive. He wanted me to let him go, but I cannot. This is one farewell I am not ready to accept.